Fear Love

This one goes out to the late night DJ.

I have no idea what it is about driving around at midnight. But, I find something special about being awake at the beginning of a new day. I say driving because one element that makes being awake this late is the radio. Maybe I’m just an inspired night writer or maybe it’s that DJ’s in the middle of the night know exactly what I want to hear.

I recently had a guy tell me he loved me. When I asked why he didn’t call he said, “I shouldn’t have to call everyday.” Something about a code and friendship. It ended in our agreeing that we needed to not talk for a while. I’m not sure how an argument caused by not talking is supposed to be solved by not talking; but mostly, all I heard was a boy in a man’s voice freaking out. So, I’ve been thinking a lot about love lately. I find there is this huge sense of fear surrounding a word like that.

I asked my good friend Luke how he was doing tonight. We had a good laugh as he said, “I’m seeing one girl more than any others.” The thing about Luke is, he’s incredibly afraid of commitment because he got hurt really bad early in the game.

Luke is like me. He loves easily. He just doesn’t call it love, even though that is what it is. He just happens to fall out of love as easily as he entered. But, he’s given his heart and the ones he gives his heart to, he never stops loving. I know this because he’s shared his heart with me over these girls. He rarely admits hurt. But, there is a tone in his voice that tells me deep within lies a romantic.

I’ve never heard anyone say to me in their final days, “I wish I said I love you less.” I’ve never received wisdom that said, “Hold onto your love, don’t commit.” Every sappy song about the end of life says I wish I’d loved more and cursed less. So why is it that so many people my age are afraid of love?

John, the one whom Jesus loved writes towards the end of his days: “No fear exists where his love is. Rather, perfect love gets rid of fear, because fear involves punishment. The person who lives in fear doesn't have perfect love.” 1 John 4:18

I leave you with that. If you are afraid of love, maybe it has to do with your trust in God. Maybe if we learned to trust God more, we wouldn’t be so afraid of loving each other. And if we spent less time being afraid, we’d spend more time actually loving each other.

Poem from Lauren

One of my best friends in the world wrote me this poem. I wanted to put it up on my blog as my way of saying thank you to her. She's currently daring a life of adventure in Italy, taking a break from saving the inner city schools of Phoenix through Teach for America.

A friend who loves me
A friend who gives me everything
snack packs, love, and gratitude- a friend who never has and never will leave me
A friend I will know forever, but really know forever
not just a saying, but a truth
Cricket is a person who loves others
Even me- knowing my faults
She gives all, she doesn't judge
A friend who takes care
A friend who stumbles through life
Knowing who she is
seeking who she wants to be
and supporting me as I do the same
We walk together
Not side by side, but far away
together in heart
friendship over the phone
it that's the way it has to be
she will be loyal to me
Even when I try to forget
Our past and what we've experienced
She reminds me
that we are forever friends
sisters and companions
and she will remain
steadfast, strong in her beliefs
When I turn like a leaf in the wind
Searching for a shadow
Pursuing something invisible
She is the rock I will return to
Always
Steady
As the world turns and we grow
We move and change and progress
Cricket will be my friend
In the river, as the stream flows
around us-time-moving
inevitably flowing
we remain steadfast
Our bond is not easily broken
It endures. It will endure

If the world were 100 people

If the world were 100 people:
49 would be male
51 would be female

18 wouldn't be able to read
17 would have no food
17 would have no water
53 would live on less than $2/day

6 people would control 59% of the world's wealth

1 would die of malnutrition

67 don't know Christ

My biggest vice is that I get so comfortable. I get so complacent I forget to look at the world around me. I have never been thirsty, or hungry, or uneducated. And, what am I doing about it?

Forgotten

The word forget seems to be on my heart lately. One of our youth ministry volunteers used a phrase from a song, "Why is the forgotten so easily done." Why is it that forgetting is so easy?
Another volunteer and I team taught this morning on Grace. Yesterday as we were finalizing the lesson, he said, "what is forgetting? I think it is a change of heart." The beauty and boldness of that statement caught me so off guard I had to write it down on a post it to come back to later. I looked up the definition of forget and did not find that same explanation, though I can't think of any better way to describe what forgetting really is when it compares to the past, forgiveness, and moving forward.
Applying the two above definitions when it comes to me forgetting the love I have in my life, why do I change my heart so easily? Why is it all too often hard for me to forget the times I've messed up and so easy to forget the times when I am loved? How do I change my heart to live forever in the latter and forget the former?

Ode to Adrienne

Dearest Adrienne,

You are a true friend. You make me aprons. I love my aprons.

But, you have introduced me not only to google toolbar, but recently gmail reader. AMAZING! My life will never be the same.

I love you.

I believe in the creation story. This could be credited to my religious background or perhaps that frankly, the idea of evolution sounds bizarre to me. I guess the idea of God forming mankind in his own image is more appealing than phytoplankton and monkeys having mutant babies or a really loud noise in the dark. I believe God made the whole world in six segments and then created Adam. And, because Adam needed a “suitable helper” he created Eve. This is hardly the thrilling part, though I know many theologians who have spent hours deciphering these passages. There is a piece of this story that I overlooked in my learning as a child. A portion that my pastors failed to show me as a young woman filled with the burning desire to understand who I am and what is beyond the garden’s gate.

Eve had it good, she had the safe route. She had everything she could ever need. She had a nice man to look after her, so to speak. She probably had a medium growth 401K and refinance loan at a great rate. Perhaps she even had a hybrid SUV to combat the growing gas prices. I imagine that life was calm and she was content with Adam and their animal friends. Or, was she? Because there was one thing she couldn’t have. She wasn’t supposed to eat from one tree, “the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.” I never understood that part. Was that tree there just to taunt and torture her about what is beyond her reach? What is that tree’s real purpose? There must be more to the story.

So, Eve alone in her garden happens upon the snake. He seemed harmless enough. Maybe he offered her a nonfat latte’ and chit chatted about the great tomato crop that summer. But, the conversation twists; as they talk he invites her to try a piece of that mystery fruit. I can hear him telling her to taste it, to just try one tiny piece and she would be wiser, worldlier, more understanding of her garden. Eve begins to question herself, how could she live here all this time and never think to try something new? Eve knew the rules; she knew she wasn’t supposed to eat that fruit. Though something about that fruit pulled her in like a force. So what is it that lured her? She certainly didn’t need the fruit, but temptation doesn’t creep into our hearts when we are content. Why did she want this so badly? I imagine her twirling that conversation around her head so many times she could taste it on her cheek. Her heart and her head arguing about logic. The lust for that single piece of fruit growing like the wails of a hungry child. Nothing, nothing but that fruit could satisfy the craving!
I’ve watched many judge Eve for eating that fruit. I myself have fallen victim to criticizing her. I’ve asked, “Who did she think she was?” “How could she be so stupid?” “Weren’t the rules clear?” Eve took that piece of forbidden fruit. But, she didn’t take it because the snake tricked her out of living by the rules her father taught her. No, she took it because that snake offered her something that Adam never gave her. The snake offered her something unknown. He offered her adventure. He didn’t offer the safe route. He left her wondering in lust and doubt and hunger. That fruit tantalized Eve for the same reason the forbidden fruit still tantalizes women today. As women are born with the a vigor that we only discover when we are presented with obvious conundrums of fate.

When I think of Eve, I always knew I related to her as a sister in my history. I relate to all the goddesses featured in the Bible because my heart yearns to understand the stories these bold women tell. In all the times I read this story, I never realized that I am Eve. I am Eve because I know why she took that first bite. I know why that fruit tempted her beyond the SUV and the 401K.
I went to what I consider one of the most uptight Christian colleges in the country. Girls at my college joked about earning an MRS. These girls were content to share hymnals at daily chapel and set up double dates like "Mini golf." It was reminiscent of the Mona Lisa Smile staring Julia Roberts, only 40 years later. The boys at this school liked to tell me they could see my values. Most of them grew up to be mildly successful, mildly attractive, and mildly monotonous in all senses of these words. I wonder how far they were from Adam. Despite the advice of several girlfriends, I could never be attracted to them. There is nothing mysterious and forbidden about miniature golf.

In the same way that Eve just can’t settle for Adam and the garden she knows. I couldn't settle for those "safe" guys at college. After college, when most of my girlfriends married their beloveds, I set out to discover the wonder of what the forbidden fruit entails. I know the wonder lust Eve felt in her heart when that snake encouraged her to ‘just do it.’ I know how the snake captivated her with his stories of a life she had not yet explored.

I wonder, what thoughts ran through her head as she took that first bite of nectar? I know Eve faced consequences for her actions. I don’t want to minimize the sacredness of my ancestors’ beliefs. The mother of life changed the course of history that afternoon in the garden. But, could I just for a moment applaud her for taking a road that no one else tried? Can I just for a second relate to that desire to explore instead of judging her for not following the path that her safe Adam laid out for her?

I can only hope that I am brave enough to decline status quo and make choices that may alter the course of history. Eve set the bar higher for me with her story. She had a choice and maybe, to some she made the poor choice. But, at least she was bold enough to make the choice. I’m done judging the Eve’s of this world. I am Eve. I am proud to say that even if I fall; I fall knowing that I don’t have to wonder what if? I fall knowing that what was, is no longer good enough and I am brave enough to try. I am brave enough to step outside the lines that others have drawn in my garden.

CJ's of Evergreen, CO

I'm in a Chicago style, hot dog stand in Evergreen, CO. How hillarious is that? I only ordered a soda, but smelling all that Vienna Beef has me craving my hometown favorite. I rarely call Chicago my hometown. I'm much too country for that. But, 8 of chicagoland addresses is starting to kick in. Maybe I'll make it to living there for a whole decade. Scary thought...maybe they'll issue me an award. I've done a lot of journaling about this said Chicago address of mine. My girlfriends tease me that I have a much too permanent address. Some believe I settled too quickly, awed by the permanency of career. Addresses are interesting thing. I realize that the postman uses my address to deliver my bills, a steady stream of credit card offers, and an occasional thought from a loved one. But, how much does my address say about me? Is it merely a mechanism for locating a point on a map or is it perhaps something more?

While I write this, the employed "hot dog stand guy" is currently sucking face with his midriff showing girlfriend; a few teenage guys cruise for their dream cars on public computers, and the news chats about Sarah Palin's down to earth approach at last night's debate. I wonder what their addresses say about them?