Grace or something like it...

Here's a disclaimer.  This is a personal post.  But, one I've felt like I should share, so I'm going to.  I'm not trying to trash the Lutheran Church, it's just my thoughts on my Spirituality and where I feel God is leading me in that journey.  My journey has included a lot of great spiritual education that has given me strong roots.  But, when I found myself pregnant and unmarried, the church had a lot of finger pointing to do.  I sought mercy, the church sought justice.  God in his infinite wisdom provided me with both.

"It is better live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of someone else's life with perfection." -Bhagavad Gita (emphasis added)

I've read that phrase before, but the last time I read that phrase, it hit me: This is why I never settled into being Lutheran.  I tried so hard to fit into that box, but I was always living a lie.  I ws trying to perfectly imitate what the church taught me.  Despite years of trying to fit that build and diving into theological discussion head first, my being Lutheran was like expecting a cat to be man's best friend.  Today when I reflect on my life, my destiny, I recognize the journey I'm supposed to be on.  It's a cluttered life.  It's imperfect.  There is a small amount of chaos surrounding each day.  But, there is also a large amoung of joy.  The journey I've been on has been a quest to find spirituality, center, a driving force.  Not a book of rules or decisions with the answers already made.

For me, being Lutheran was like cheating on a test.  The questions all right there in front of me and my #2 pencils sharpened and in my hand.  But, everytime I read a question, the bubble automatically filled in the answer.  Even when I disagreed with the answer.  I kept trying to answer C, but B filled in first.  And no matter how hard I tried, I could never get to a point where I believed B was right over C.

I've been told "hindsight is 20/20.  I think that is why I'm able to see so clearly that living perfectly in a structured destiny left little for me to dream about or desire.  The quest to finding God in our everyday lives is not about filling in an answer someone else told you is right on a test.  It's about living imperfectly and having the courage to wonder what will happen if we really aren't perfect.  That is what grace is!  Grace is not having the perfect score on your test.  And, understanding grace is having a recognition that imprefection is so much better!!!

I don't expect to live without consequences or discipline.  But, when it comes to spirituality, the air on your own journey is so much easier to breathe.  Following your own spiritual path is far more exillerating than living a spiritual lie.  What I've come to learn through this process is that freedom and grace, are the same thing.  As Janis Joplin says, "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose."  Living in grace, means living like you've got nothing to lose, because really, in terms of faith and God's love, you really don't have anything to lose.

You've got to figure, she knows something about freedom with a smile like that!